florida aka PTPMO

so i just got back from a week in florida with my family. i’ve been there plenty of times before, and i’ve seen disney, busch gardens, universal, the beaches – the whole lot – in previous trips. still…

HOLY SHIT.

the good:
– if you’re savvy, you can get free BOGO tickets to all the parks. i’ll say no more.
– i wasn’t at work for a week. then again, with how much i hate my job these days, jury duty would probably make this list.
– despite hating the sun, the weather was a nice break from the snow and cold.
– siesta key beach. my mom always raves about this beach being ‘the best in the world’, even though she has never been to a beach outside the states. but to her credit, i think she may be on to something. it was pretty darn good.
– Legoland. well done, creators. perfect for families with kids 4-12ish, this place almost rejuvenated my faith in logical thinking. almost. example: in the lines for the roller coasters, which by the way are small enough for 40″ers, there are lego building areas for kids to play in while parents stand in line. kids are in eyesight of the parents the entire time and don’t have to waste half their day standing in line, bored out of their minds. very cool.
– tourists. i always enjoy people watching, and it was at its finest this past week. mixing euro trash with trailer trash always makes for some interesting human interaction.

the absolute horseshit:
– the price of everything. 90 bucks for a day pass to disney? are you kidding me? i can ride 30 year old rides at the local 4H county fair. and the admission there is free. $7 for a kids pizza meal? if i wanted a silver dollar sized undercooked pizza, i’d buy an Eazy-Bake oven. sure, the initial investment would be more, but at least i’d have something to show for the money i spent. (and not just an empty stomach)
– asshole drivers. scenerio: 70 mph speed limit. three lanes. not even close to rush hour traffic. 67 mph driver? far left lane. nothing pisses me off more than having to pass people on the right. it’s not safe, it causes congestion, and i have to use my left hand to give them the finger. i’m way better with my right.
– toll booths. florida’s are by far the worst in the country. no dollar bill feeders, forcing you to have exact change at 5:00 in the morning on an off ramp in the middle of f-ing nowhere. who the fuck carries paper currency anymore, let alone exact change? and heaven forbid you install a credit card scanner at the booth; that just would’t make any sense at all. instead, you’re forced to use that dirty, too small change collecting basket designed for two things: not catching thrown coins and pissing you off.
– tourists. yup, they made both lists. why? because despite the entertainment value they provide, they are annoying. from their idiotic dress to stopping in the smack dab middle of busy walkways to screaming on their mobile phones in the middle of a restaurant (while wearing a ridiculous Dumbo hat), all they do is find ways to piss me off.

sure i could go on and on, but in the end, it would only end up pissing me off more thinking of all the idiots i had to deal with during the week. and i don’t want it to be that way – i had a really nice time with my family, and have to say that while i’ll probably never go back to that asshole infested wasteland ever again in my entire life, i’m glad i went.

*PTPMO – place to piss me off

2 Comments on “florida aka PTPMO

  1. Having spent a week in Sarasota over the Christmas holiday, I absolutely adored this post. By day three or four, I was officially driving like a local, heading straight for a median and failing to use my blinker.

    I refer to Disney as birth control. My ovaries shrink at little at the mere thought.

    Lastly, a few years ago I cut through Orlando on my way to Sarasota. Disney, MGM, etc lined the highway. Then, in the midst of it all, was Holy Land, a Jesus themed amusement park. I couldn’t help at laugh at the poor kids who got wide eyed about heading to Orlando only to learn they were bypassing Disney and heading straight for a manger surrounded by three wise men. Or something like that.

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